March 2012
22 posts
Leap Year Birthdays
I intended to write about Leap Year birthdays today, but am slightly deterred now that Parks and Recreation already covered that topic this past week. (Side note: I’m going to a Parks and Rec-themed party tonight, can you think of anything better to do with your bonus day?) All the same, I did once have a friend, Chris, who was born on a Leap Day, so let’s do this anyway. Birthdays are...
February 2012
20 posts
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Hollywood Celebrating Hollywood for Celebrating...
So how about them Oscars? It’s like they borrowed a page out of The Help and served us a shit pie. I won’t criticize it for being a trivial example of Hollywood celebrating Hollywood because that’s what the ceremony is by design, but I will criticize it for being a trivial example of Hollywood celebrating Hollywood for celebrating Hollywood. How else can you explain five wins...
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Teachers Outside of Class
My yoga teacher friend invited me to a literary/comedy event a weeks ago. It ended up being even trendier than I expected; I saw Megan Amram, Sugar from Survivor, Moby, and enough unconventional hats to fill a Hipster Haberdashery.
However, none of those encounters are as notable as one we had with my friend’s yoga student. (Except for maybe Moby - he didn’t wash his hands after...
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Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds
The Academy Awards are this Sunday, and if you’re like most people, you haven’t found the time to see all nine Best Picture nominees. Heck, I have found the time and – in most cases - I regret it. Still, if you want to know the gist of the top flicks before the Oscars ceremony, check out my sixty second summaries. Think of them as super condensed screenplays. But BE WARNED– these mini-scripts are...
“This one time, a special needs child ran away from school and I was chasing...”
– My mom is an elementary school principal and has some really cool ideas about education. (via hoodratbusiness)
They Don't Have to Tear Down Every Stereotype
Occupier 1: A lot of people would look at us, see our skin color, our clothes, our dreadlocks, and assume we smoke pot and listen to Bob Marley, but...
Occupier 2: I'm not going to lie! I do do that!
Occupier 1: Yeah, me too, actually.
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Two Hands
Ted: How old is your niece? Melinda: She’s about to turn eleven. Ted: That’s great. Now she’s going to have to use more than two hands! Melinda: Uh? Ted: To count her age on her fingers. Melinda: Oh, okay. I was really worried about where you were going with that. (Then again, considering that Melinda’s niece is a known rapist, perhaps some commentary on her handsy nature...
In a Comma
In high school, one of my peers wrote a story about his uncle who was in a coma. I realize you’re not supposed to laugh about things like that, but it’s really hard not to when he repeatedly spelled the word “coma” with two M-s. “He fell into a comma”, “He’s still in a comma”, etc. Sorry, but it’s difficult to sympathize when...
“I’m going to bring chocolate… and lube… so the chocolate goes...”
– My Valentine’s date is planning big things for next week
Cousins
In my adolescence, I had a friend name Orville. Orville is probably the biggest guy I’ve ever known. I have plenty of tall friends, but I’m sure strangers were especially amused at our massive size difference when I hung out next to Orville. For real, it would take four of me to dress up as him for Halloween. (Note: That costume would require blackface, so me and my three Kevin clones...
Ruin Me
Melinda: Did you know there’s a company that prints out your Facebook history and turns it into a book?
Kevin: No, that sounds awful.
Melinda: If I was going to turn anyone’s Facebook into a book, it would be yours, Kevin.
Kevin: Why, are you trying to ruin me?
Ted: It would be really easy to ruin you, Kevin.
Hearing Ted say that aloud made me realize how true that is. Take this...
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