January 2011
44 posts
2 tags
You Know He Be Knockin' Those Pins to the Ground
Important text messages from Kurosh at Lucky Strike lanes last night: “Chris brown bowling in lane next to us ha ha” “This just in. Cb uses the bowling alias monkeybitch” No word on whether Kurosh was literally star-struck.
Letter of the Day
After using an abundance of words beginning with W with my honors class, I instituted a letter of the day Sesame Street style. For the next class, K was the letter of choice. We brainstormed awesome words starting with K and “kelp” was the big winner. One student kept shouting out brand names, so I called him a “corporate shill” which pretty much went over everyone’s...
Diarrhea
Student A: Did everyone see the diarrhea in the hall?
Students: Ewwwwwww, what?
Student A: I swear, there was diarrhea in the hall. All over.
Mr. Kevin: Student A, please focus on your work.
Student A: But there was diarrhea!
Mr. Kevin: I doubt it and I don't care.
Student B: Who did it?
Student A: I don't know, but it couldn't be a girl.
Student C: Yeah-huh it could be a girl.
Student A: No, it's diarrhea, so it couldn't be a girl.
Mr. Kevin: I don't have the time to explain this to you right now, Student A, but contrary to popular opinion, girls do poop.
Students: laughlaughlaugh
Probably provoked by laughter, an unknown student farts loudly, spawning more laughter.
Student A: Ha! Who farted?
Mr. Kevin: Well, we know it can't be a girl...
My Five Favorite Infomercials →
It’s video-heavy, so I’m not even going to try reposting this on Tumblr
Tonight
So tonight was fun. Watched the State of the Union while drinking a lot, as any good American should. We started sipping at every utterance of the word “future,” which comes up a lot as it turns out when the president doesn’t have much good to say about the present. Still, the “future” references seemed a little taunting to most of the people in attendance… is...
Omnipotent Facebook
Facebook’s sidebar is suggesting that I look at old wedding photographs of a couple who was divorced within a year. So I realize that Facebook knows my vital information, friends, hobbies, and spending habits… but now it has discerned my sense of humor, too? I’d be really frightened right now if I weren’t too busy chuckling at the bride and groom’s misfortune.
Nodders/Clappers
You’re bound to find them in the audience of most stand up comedy shows: the nodders/clappers. When the comedian says, “Fellas, you know she’s only interested in your wallet!” there’s that one gentleman who bangs on his knee and flashes an especially goofy grin. When the comedian says, “And sure we say size doesn’t matter…” there’s the...
Lexington
An actual answer I once wrote on a history quiz: Where was the first shot of the American Revolution fired? From a gun.
Quack
At a particularly substance-laden party, someone asked for chap-stick. I had recently received a complimentary tube from the insurance company Aflac with its logo on it, so I offered that up. Many people were intrigued as to why Aflac would manufacture chap-stick in the first place. As we struggled to reach some kind of understanding (yes, it was that kind of night), a thought overwhelmed and...
“I hate Facebook. My tagged photos are all basically ‘A History of Ted...”
– Ted
B: I feel like I've been mind raped.
Allison: Mind raped? That would have to be with an infant because only babies' heads would be soft enough to penetrate.
Wine Whine
Recently, I ate dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant without a liquor license. The staff permits you to BYOB, so my friends supplied multiple bottles of wine and beer to accompany our meal. It was actually embarrassing how much booze we had sitting on our table. As we ate and drank, with a greater emphasis on the latter, an unfamiliar couple approached our table. The woman held a half-empty bottle of...
Help Wanted
Poop.
I just found a job I really want to apply to, but decided to first apply to this other job that looked decent. Except that somehow I mixed up their email addresses, so I sent an email with the wrong cover letter and referring to a different job title to the awesome job.
Can I get a redo? It’s probably not a good start to have to say “Sorry I addressed you incorrectly, and...
Passed Out Patty
Though Margarita Mondays is always a hoot, some are more eventful than others. At a recent MM, we had a swell time, but the real adventure began when our crew hit the parking lot. Earlier in the evening, Patty*, a first time MMer, found herself so overcome by the powerful punch of these margaritas that she decided to excuse herself to take a nap in her car. Though Patty insisted she was fine, I...
A Sign Things Have Changed
“Hey, it’s Kevin. Whoa, whoa, whoa, before you hang up, hear me out. I know you dumped me because we weren’t compatible, but things have changed… I’m a Taurus, now, baby!” And… scene! The only reason I might actually give half a hoot about this astrological sign change controversy is because it proves how inconsequential it is. I pity the fool who now is...
Paulydia
My parents took me to a business dinner; most of the people attending were nasty, self-absorbed, and elitist. Perhaps it shouldn’t have come as such a surprise to me that several of the executives were closet “Laguna Beach” fans: they love pointless drama and opulence. The way people spoke to and about each other made it evident that no one there really liked each other, it was...
“I really like studying in coffee shops, but I need to study in silence. I wear...”
– Lisa
“Patricia is a stay-at-home mom who knows how to perform sign language to all of...”
– Alex Trebek
(Submitted by kevinbabbles)
This is my new favorite concept blog… ripe with possibilities!
Hypodermic Needle
I volunteered on Saturday morning. Funny how an event billed as “tree planting” turned into “picking up litter on a highway median.” The area’s gotta be clean before you can plant trees, though, so I get it. The majority of the volunteers were kids, so with our bright safety vests and trash bags, we must have looked like the world’s youngest chain gang to the...
4 tags
Doo Doo Dean
I’m very much about breaking down gender barriers. Also, I am very much lazy. For these reasons, when I find a (seemingly) unoccupied women’s bathroom to be closest to me or, in some cases, less smelly at a given moment, I’ll proudly take the urinal-less option. Senior year of college, finding my bladder overflowing and the men’s bathroom to be all the way down the hall, I...
Old-Fashioned Value
Grocery card shopper saving cards are the biggest scam. To save 30 cents on a spaghetti sauce, I’ve had to fill out every imaginable piece of personal information so that the supermarket can track my every move. Frankly, I find it a form of distortion - they’re appealing to my sense of cheapness in order to obtain market research. Not fair. Well, I’m sick of it. Until the grocery...
I'm Too Neurotic to Play the Lottery
I don’t ever play the lottery, save for a handful of scratch-offs I’ve been gifted over the years. The fact is that I am a cheap man with inexpensive tastes, so the lottery doesn’t have much of an allure. Still, when the MegaMillions jackpot reached $350 million yesterday, I couldn’t resist buying a ticket.
Here I am: underemployed, underinsured, and underwhelmed. ...
The Kids' Table
No matter how old I get, I remain a kid. Specifically, I am referring to my permanent seat at the kids’ table for holiday meals. For my entire life, I’ve been relegated to the card table in the adjacent room, safely out of sight from the “real” adults. At this point, the “kids’ table” is a bit of a misnomer, as all of us of that generation are now in our twenties. By virtue of being the oldest, I...
6 tags
“You know the rule: you’re not allowed to date until we find mommy a new...”
– A mom to her teenage daughter at Wendy’s. They argued about it for ten minutes, meaning that the mom was serious.
Resolute Resolutions
So I had a lot of New Year’s resolutions, too many to even list, actually. Basically it boils down to BE BETTER AT EVERYTHING. That may be unrealistic, but why would you not resolve to strive for that? You want to regress? If you’re not about self-improvement, you might as well kill yourself. I want to be a better me - and I know I can be a better me. I say that as someone with very...
4 tags
WatchA couple of years ago, I spent New Years in Philadelphia, where I happened upon the most bonkers first-day-of-the-year celebration in existence: The Mummers Parade. I was not previously aware of this tradition, and I honestly thought it was some sort of gay pride event. If you hear the participants tell it, however, there is nothing homosexual about men dressing in garish, feathery costumes and...