December 2010
38 posts
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50 Favorite Songs of 2010 →
Every year I post my favorite 50 songs, but posting all of those media files isn’t Tumblr friendly, so click the link to sample the music at my Blogspot. Or just read the list here:
50. Crutch and Cane - Peter Wolf Crier
49. Go On - Basia Bulat
48. Down by the Water - The Decemberists
47. Sprawl II - Arcade Fire
46. Bully - Lissie
45. Get Some - Lykke Li
44. Crash Years - The New...
Euphemisms Should Buy the Farm
Not all euphemisms are better than their counterparts. How does “choking the chicken” create a better mental image than “masturbating?” All it does is make me think about animal cruelty and contemplate becoming a vegetarian in addition to picturing masturbation. Growing up in my house, you couldn’t say “fart.” Mind you, you could fart all day long (thanks, Dad,) but saying the word was out of the...
A Sticky Situation
Did you read the news about the woman who accidentally put superglue in her eye after mistaking the bottle for her eye drops? That woman is my aunt! Okay, that specific woman who made headlines is not my aunt. But it might as well have been because the exact same thing really did happen to my aunt. My aunt was just fortunate enough not to have her family report her story… until now! Earlier...
“I hope you get the good word!”
– Employee at the uber-Christian thrift store cracking a pun as I purchased Scrabble
My Minute Newt
What if I owned a small newt? Why, I’d call it “my minute newt.” My minute newt. My minute newt. It’s a fun phrase to say, especially in a singsong manner. My-my-newt-newt. Say it fast and focus, and you can feel your lips tingle from the vibrations. I rush to a room full of people to share my new favorite phrase. Most people grasp the concept of “my minute...
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“Well, it all starts when two people really love each other… and one of...”
– Jessica, my biologist friend, responding to my query for a “scientific explanation” for necrophilia.
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Song: The Nutcracker - Allison & Kevin
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Yard Sale
My town of residence held its city-wide yard sale, so of course I had to go peek through people’s crap and find some deals. Unfortunately, this type of event brings out all sorts of freaks. I realize it seems convenient to exclude myself from the freak category, especially when I have my share of freak moments, but while I’m weird, the weirdest people are those who don’t even realize they’re...
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Poop Quiz!
Before a guest arrives at my house, I realize that I’m out of toilet paper. Do I: A. Make a trip to the store to purchase some toilet paper? B. Ask her to pick up some toilet paper on the way to my house? C. Ignore the situation then rush to her when she finally uses the bathroom and pass her some napkins? If you didn’t choose C, you clearly are unaware of what a classy host I am. At...
Kevin: It looks cute on you.
Matt: I'm not cute, I'm adorable!
Kevin: What's the difference?
Matt: Cute sells cards, adorable sells calendars.
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Do You Have a Boil?
My student who threatened to cut my throat remained in my class. It’s funny how laws work: she’d probably have to succeed at killing me before switching classes. She knew enough to be a bit better behaved upon her return to my class after the suspension, but quickly let her true poise shine through again. Every other word out of her mouth was “fuck” and she loved announcing...
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Dental Damn
I watched a modern version of Match Game with celebrities as the contestants. My favorite question was directed at former ‘N Sync-er Lance Bass: “Lorraine says it’s strange being married to a dentist. Before they make love, he says BLANK.”
Now the most obvious answer would clearly be “open wide.” It’s funny, risque, and a good match. Any idiot could...
The Chipmunk Song - a cover by Allison & Kevin
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Chick's
Chick’s was a small chain of fifteen sporting goods store in Southern California. It stood as a nice contrast to Dick’s, a national corporate sporting goods store. I say “stood” because three years ago Dick’s purchased Chick’s. Do you see where I’m going with this? Chick’s with Dick’s. Finally the world of athletic accessories reached out to...
HOLY FUCK
Is my Blogspot blog of 5 1/2 years really gone following this Gawker password thing? I didn’t even ever comment there, but I guess I registered and now all these years of writing (real writing not Tumblr-style post a GIF and a sentence) are gone? THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING!
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Mix Bowl
One night junior year, Raumene had a craving for Thai food. Usually, our suite was wallpapered in Mix Bowl menus, but on this night, none could be found. Unable to remember Mix Bowl’s number, he called the local pizza place instead. I overheard him speaking on the phone. “Actually, I was wondering if you knew Mix Bowl’s number.” Two seconds later he shouted, “They hung up on me!”
Ten Most Overlooked Cartoon Characters
Well, no one has cartoon characters as their Facebook images anymore, which I guess means that child abuse has been conquered! Yay!!!! Kids can finally accept candy from strangers without fear. Still, I’m disappointed that the cartoon fad is over because there were still so many animated gems that were yet to be properly commemorated. Here are the ten cartoon characters most unjustly...
Forced Buffness
Kelly: Would you call that guy muscle-y?
Jared: No, anyone can wear an extra small t-shirt.
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The Game of Life
I have a friend who babysits a terror of a child. On one particular evening, the two were actually sharing a great time when they began to play Life. Alas, my friend had the misfortune of winning and things took a turn for the worse. The game consists almost entirely of luck, but the young girl refused to be gracous in her defeat. According to my friend, the deciding factor was that she went to...
Shitting Glitter
I caught the end of a set by a band whose music was danceable, but I was hardly a fan. I am a fan, however, of the band’s name: Shitting Glitter. In fact, ever since I have become obsessed with the very concept of shitting glitter. I sincerely want to do it, as it would be the prettiest bowel movement I’ve ever had the pleasure of creating. My poop has turned orange from excessive...
“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three women can make a baby.”
– Amy (I think she was referring to this.)
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Tears in Heaven
My teenaged cousin, a budding musician, played “Tears in Heaven” on the guitar for my family. It always makes me snicker because my roommate does a standup routine about the song, which Eric Clapton wrote after his toddler plummeted to his death. The punch line is basically that he’s not accusing Clapton of pushing his kid out the window, but he does find it suspicious that he...