February 2012
17 posts
Teachers Outside of Class
My yoga teacher friend invited me to a literary/comedy event a weeks ago. It ended up being even trendier than I expected; I saw Megan Amram, Sugar from Survivor, Moby, and enough unconventional hats to fill a Hipster Haberdashery.
However, none of those encounters are as notable as one we had with my friend’s yoga student. (Except for maybe Moby - he didn’t wash his hands after...
11 tags
Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds
The Academy Awards are this Sunday, and if you’re like most people, you haven’t found the time to see all nine Best Picture nominees. Heck, I have found the time and – in most cases - I regret it. Still, if you want to know the gist of the top flicks before the Oscars ceremony, check out my sixty second summaries. Think of them as super condensed screenplays. But BE WARNED– these mini-scripts are...
“This one time, a special needs child ran away from school and I was chasing...”
– My mom is an elementary school principal and has some really cool ideas about education. (via hoodratbusiness)
They Don't Have to Tear Down Every Stereotype
Occupier 1: A lot of people would look at us, see our skin color, our clothes, our dreadlocks, and assume we smoke pot and listen to Bob Marley, but...
Occupier 2: I'm not going to lie! I do do that!
Occupier 1: Yeah, me too, actually.
2 tags
5 tags
Two Hands
Ted: How old is your niece? Melinda: She’s about to turn eleven. Ted: That’s great. Now she’s going to have to use more than two hands! Melinda: Uh? Ted: To count her age on her fingers. Melinda: Oh, okay. I was really worried about where you were going with that. (Then again, considering that Melinda’s niece is a known rapist, perhaps some commentary on her handsy nature...
In a Comma
In high school, one of my peers wrote a story about his uncle who was in a coma. I realize you’re not supposed to laugh about things like that, but it’s really hard not to when he repeatedly spelled the word “coma” with two M-s. “He fell into a comma”, “He’s still in a comma”, etc. Sorry, but it’s difficult to sympathize when...
“I’m going to bring chocolate… and lube… so the chocolate goes...”
– My Valentine’s date is planning big things for next week
Cousins
In my adolescence, I had a friend name Orville. Orville is probably the biggest guy I’ve ever known. I have plenty of tall friends, but I’m sure strangers were especially amused at our massive size difference when I hung out next to Orville. For real, it would take four of me to dress up as him for Halloween. (Note: That costume would require blackface, so me and my three Kevin clones...
Ruin Me
Melinda: Did you know there’s a company that prints out your Facebook history and turns it into a book?
Kevin: No, that sounds awful.
Melinda: If I was going to turn anyone’s Facebook into a book, it would be yours, Kevin.
Kevin: Why, are you trying to ruin me?
Ted: It would be really easy to ruin you, Kevin.
Hearing Ted say that aloud made me realize how true that is. Take this...
5 tags
2 tags
Baby
Baby By Nicole L. I have to choose when you breathe your last breath, This is a hard burden laid on my chest, I must choose for your future: life or death, But for you my Baby I want the very best. Although it hurts, I know what I must do, Baby, I must now lay you down to sleep, It may hurt me, but it’s the best for you, But the memories in my heart I will keep. I love you that is why this...
January 2012
26 posts
Sign you’re at a wonderfully trashy bar: A gruff, middle-aged lesbian who introduces herself to your friend Crystal promises that she’ll have no trouble remembering her new acquaintance’s name, followed by her pressing her index finger against her nose to close one nostril and pantomiming snorting vigorously. Yeah, the un-ironic crystal meth reference is pretty disconcerting,...
Holy Mole-y
The other night Sasha, who most often wittily paints animals, was looking for inspiration for a new art piece that fit the theme “peep show”. After some useless suggestions I came up with the awesome idea of a blind mole at a strip club. Just the notion of a creature who can’t see trying to enjoy an entirely visual act tickles my funny bone. Sasha sort of liked the idea (and,...
A Zombie in Homeroom
I met my first real-life zombie.
Stacy introduced me to her old friend Aliya. Apparently, at the end of elementary school, Aliya’s family moved to another state with little warning. To explain her sudden absence, one girl told everyone that Aliya had died in a car crash, a rumor that spread and was accepted as truth. No one would have ever been the wiser, except that a couple years...
The State of the Union
We’re just a few hours away from Obama’s last State of the Union address. No, that’s not a prediction that Obama will lose the election. That’s a reminder that the year is 2012 and it is the last State of the Union for all of us. FACT: Obama is not a secret Muslim, he’s a secret Mayan. Everyone in that room tonight already knows the end is upon us. It’s why...
“They can’t play ‘At Last’ at Etta James’s funeral....”
– Ted
Would He Die for You?
After only a week of dating, my former roommate Tammy* decided to introduce her new boyfriend, Blaine*, to her family, mainly at her family’s urging. The family is super close-knit, to the point where dating Tammy essentially means dating her family as well, a scenario which has been known to drive previous suitors away.
Before the big dinner, about ten of Tammy’s family members...
Excuse me, waiter, there's a fly in my SOPA!
Tomorrow I’ll be blacking out my site in solidarity against SOPA. They can call it an anti-piracy bill, but that’s really just a smokescreen for the government to hijack the internet and censor it as they see fit. The internet needs to remain a haven for unrestricted sharing of information. And yes, that includes TMI stories about my bowel movements.
I know, I know… a whole day...
Do It for Martin
Let’s talk about Martin Luther King Jr. Let’s not talk about him just because it’s his holiday. Let’s not talk about him just because we feel like good people for doing so. Let’s talk about him because his message is entirely relevant today. I’m actually not referring to issues of race, as I’m going to assume that I don’t have many segregationists...
I should write screenplays
Dude: What ethnicity are you?
Racially ambiguous chick: Eurasian.
Dude: No, YOU'RE Asian!
The Language of Love
Thanks to the magic of internet dating, two people in my social circle were matched together and went out for coffee. They weren’t previously acquainted despite having a bunch of mutual friends (though it seems likely they’ve attended the same party at some point), and didn’t realize how much their own circles overlapped until later in the date. So fate finally brought these two...
4 tags
New Year's Eve
How was your New Year’s Eve? I don’t really care, actually, I only ask so that you’ll return the question, because I have three important things to share: 1. I managed to spill so badly on myself immediately upon arriving at the party that within five minutes I had to be driven back home so that I could change my pants. Since taking off my pants is the natural progression of most...
2 tags
My 50 Favorite Songs of 2011
Hey Tumblfriends, I’ve completed my annual 50 favorite songs of the year list. If you want to sample/download songs individually or read short descriptions, you can do so at my blogspot page. If you want to download all 50 all at once, you can go here.
50. Over My Dead Body - Drake
49. Louder Than Ever - Cold War Kids
48. The Honest Truth - Typhoon
47. Under Cover of Darkness - The...
December 2011
19 posts
Away in a Coffin
The other night I recounted how, just two years ago, my sibling thought Christmas was a holiday that commemorated Jesus’s death. My friend diplomatically reasoned that my sibling has a gift for blocking out information that’s not relevant to her. If that’s the case, as far as I can tell, only fashion and Kate Hudson movies are relevant to her. At a Christmas Eve service last...
4 tags
Do They Know It’s Christmas? - Allison,...
LA Corrections
Two things about my recent What-To-Do-In-L.A. post: First an error spotted by Andrew: Apparently, I suggested getting authentic Korean food in Korea. Wow that’s a particularly hostile attitude toward Los Angeles! Well, Andrew, maybe I was one of the first to know of Kim Jong Il’s death and was encouraging people to travel there while the getting’s good. Did you even think about...