So my friend teaches at a charter school. She’s certified to teach Science, but because of the way the school is structured, she winds up teaching some English, too. The district eventually learned that kids were receiving instruction from a non-certified English teacher, so they arranged for an “English specialist” to show up part-time at the school to supplement lessons. Though my friend studied English in college and has been teaching reading and writing for years now, she understands the law that forced the change; it just kind of sucks because the money to pay the supplemental instructor must be taken from the charter school’s already limited budget. 

Here’s the kicker, though: the English specialist the district has provided is only questionably literate herself. Above is the honest-to-gosh assignment she gave to my friend’s students to do in conjunction with the Holocaust memoir Night.
What kind of English teacher doesn’t use punctuation? What kind of English teacher doesn’t write out the word “you”? What kind of English teacher uses the wrong type of “there” incorrectly twice in one sentence? 
As much as I am laughing at things like “arty project”, “paper mashie”, and her botched cut and paste job that repeats part of the assignment a second time, this is actually tragic. In what world is my friend not qualified to teach English while this woman (who has had her job for over 15 years, mind you) is considered a “specialist”? I like her claim that she will take “of” [sic] points for spelling and grammar errors, as if she has any idea what those are. 

Granted, when I was a high school English teacher, the essay I assigned in conjunction with the book Night resulted in at least one epically awful student paper. That’s still not a good excuse for someone brought in specifically to teach writing to arbitrarily assign an art project rather than an essay. The public education system is fucked. It is so so so so fucked.

So my friend teaches at a charter school. She’s certified to teach Science, but because of the way the school is structured, she winds up teaching some English, too. The district eventually learned that kids were receiving instruction from a non-certified English teacher, so they arranged for an “English specialist” to show up part-time at the school to supplement lessons. Though my friend studied English in college and has been teaching reading and writing for years now, she understands the law that forced the change; it just kind of sucks because the money to pay the supplemental instructor must be taken from the charter school’s already limited budget. 

Here’s the kicker, though: the English specialist the district has provided is only questionably literate herself. Above is the honest-to-gosh assignment she gave to my friend’s students to do in conjunction with the Holocaust memoir Night.

What kind of English teacher doesn’t use punctuation? What kind of English teacher doesn’t write out the word “you”? What kind of English teacher uses the wrong type of “there” incorrectly twice in one sentence? 

As much as I am laughing at things like “arty project”, “paper mashie”, and her botched cut and paste job that repeats part of the assignment a second time, this is actually tragic. In what world is my friend not qualified to teach English while this woman (who has had her job for over 15 years, mind you) is considered a “specialist”? I like her claim that she will take “of” [sic] points for spelling and grammar errors, as if she has any idea what those are. 

Granted, when I was a high school English teacher, the essay I assigned in conjunction with the book Night resulted in at least one epically awful student paper. That’s still not a good excuse for someone brought in specifically to teach writing to arbitrarily assign an art project rather than an essay. The public education system is fucked. It is so so so so fucked.

There’s just ONE MONTH until Eurovision 2014 and I’m stoked. Per tradition at this blog, I’ve compiled my favorite ridiculous entries that will compete this year. They’re total WTF videos, but who said awesome and awful were mutually exclusive?

Some additional commentary:

15. Sir-Shakes-A-Lot sure whistles better than he sings.

14. Poor man’s Bruno Mars is “all about party time.”

13. This is this woman’s third consecutive attempt (San Marino’s small, y’all) at Eurovision, and thus far she hasn’t made it past the semifinals. I doubt that spoken word and nipples are going to be enough to do the trick.

12. I’m not following that lady anywhere.

11. She’s (quite confidently) “pretty”, but she’s not naive or easy. Got it?! Also, hot dance moves, baldy.

10. I’d be more down with tolerance if it didn’t look so gay.

9. I’ve just been screaming, “I’m not an animal in captivity!” at random lately.

8. Starting a song with a screech, sexy writhing, and the lyric “We belong to each other/Like a sister to a brother” — gotta love that incest.

7. All right, stop shaving your upper-lip, then.

6. These out-there folks are way further than three minutes from earth. 

5. Hideous costumes, over-enthusiastic background dancers and singers… and then the giant flags come out. The more elements they add, the tackier it gets.

4. Tits! That’s one way to try to get votes, I guess.

3. What’s not to love about a bearded lady in a tub of rose petals singing a James Bond-esque anthem?

2. The Belorussian Robin Thicke is not as smooth as he hopes. Nice “Google Maps” reference, though.

1. They’ve got a cake to bake, what more do you need to know? The songwriter actually said he penned this song to encourage men to ask for directions, and I have to imagine that men are now getting that message loud and clear! 

Foolish Wedding

I didn’t fall for anything on April Fools’ Day this year. It’s kind of like how I can’t get scared in a haunted house - I just have my guard up too much. I might have had my guard up too much, though.

I have a pair of friends who, for the past couple of April 1sts, have pretended to get married on Facebook to dupe their loved ones. Though it worked two years consecutively, this year, their friends were ready… so they did a double reverse and actually got married on April Fools’ Day.

Hilariously, no one believed them. I didn’t either initially. By the end of the day, however, I sensed the sincerity in their comments to each other and I realized, wow, they found out a way to announce on social media that they got married and instead of getting many “congratulations”, they got a bunch of “liars!” and “you guys are dicks!” As the bride points out, normally a post like that gets 100 likes within an hour, but no one was biting this time.

Who cares about their lifelong commitment… I’m more impressed with their commitment to the joke!

Hahahaha. I shouldn’t laugh at a guy I once had fun with at Six Flags (not really, well sorta, but I am definitely misrepresenting the situation), but this headline is too much.
The #1 reason you know something’s being left out of this story is that the cops didn’t arrest Zac Efron’s hobo assailant. Have you ever met a Los Angeles police officer? They love any excuse to throw a homeless person in jail. Something tells me that this supposed “mutual combat” law suddenly wouldn’t apply as soon as a homeless person even lifted a finger in self defense while the cops beat him senseless for sleeping in the wrong part of the city. Oops, this just turned into another Fuck the Police post like it always does.

Hahahaha. I shouldn’t laugh at a guy I once had fun with at Six Flags (not really, well sorta, but I am definitely misrepresenting the situation), but this headline is too much.

The #1 reason you know something’s being left out of this story is that the cops didn’t arrest Zac Efron’s hobo assailant. Have you ever met a Los Angeles police officer? They love any excuse to throw a homeless person in jail. Something tells me that this supposed “mutual combat” law suddenly wouldn’t apply as soon as a homeless person even lifted a finger in self defense while the cops beat him senseless for sleeping in the wrong part of the city. Oops, this just turned into another Fuck the Police post like it always does.

I had foreign friends I haven’t seen since high school come to LA for a visit today. I was nervous about meeting them, honestly, because I wasn’t sure whether we’d be able to pick up where we left off so many years later, but apparently I found it remarkably easy.

Greeting one of them, I said, “Hi! [Hug] Did you just get your hair done? It looks nice.”

The other friend immediately began cracking up hysterically. “You haven’t seen her in fifteen years and the first thing you say is, ‘Did you just get your hair done?’”

Admittedly, it was strange smalltalk. Over the past decade and a half, there have probably been dozens of iterations of her hair I haven’t been privy to, but here I was talking like I hadn’t missed a beat.

For the record, her hair had just been done. I guess I had seen a recent Facebook photo and she had mentioned previously that she might try to hit up a salon while in town, so I made an educated guess without giving it much thought. I’ll stand by it: the best way to bridge a 15 year gap is to just act as if you have seen the person yesterday. 

We’re planning a trip to Las Vegas soon, and it’s taken a lot of coordination to figure out the accommodations. I kind of miss the days when we’d secretly cram 10-20 of us into a single room. Vegas isn’t for sleeping anyway. You need the room for like a 2 hour power nap and then it’s time to make that hungover drive home. So why pay for a room? If Vegas wants our money, it can get it the old-fashioned way: enabling us to gamble irresponsibly.
I remember one time we had well over 15 people in a room. A couple of friends and I were the last back in and even the floorspace was monopolized by that point. One of our drunk asses suggested that we try sleeping in the bathtub, so we gave it a shot. Remember that nursery rhyme - rub a dub dub, three men in a tub? It was just like that. I couldn’t tell you which of us was the candlestick maker, though. 
We slept head to feet to head. I was in the center and my head was directly under the faucet. As if the tub wasn’t uncomfortable enough, it leaked ever so slightly. About once a minute, a drop would fall out of the faucet and plunk onto my forehead. I kept telling myself to ignore it and that I’d eventually pass out, but I could not fall asleep like that. Given my intoxicated state, it took me far too long to recognize that I was literally subjecting myself to Chinese water torture. Suddenly it made sense why the slow dripping of water on my face was driving me crazy.

It turned out that three men in a tub was not a comfortable way to sleep, so we abandoned the shower and just cuddled up with others on the floor. Look at how cute we were!

We’re planning a trip to Las Vegas soon, and it’s taken a lot of coordination to figure out the accommodations. I kind of miss the days when we’d secretly cram 10-20 of us into a single room. Vegas isn’t for sleeping anyway. You need the room for like a 2 hour power nap and then it’s time to make that hungover drive home. So why pay for a room? If Vegas wants our money, it can get it the old-fashioned way: enabling us to gamble irresponsibly.

I remember one time we had well over 15 people in a room. A couple of friends and I were the last back in and even the floorspace was monopolized by that point. One of our drunk asses suggested that we try sleeping in the bathtub, so we gave it a shot. Remember that nursery rhyme - rub a dub dub, three men in a tub? It was just like that. I couldn’t tell you which of us was the candlestick maker, though. 

We slept head to feet to head. I was in the center and my head was directly under the faucet. As if the tub wasn’t uncomfortable enough, it leaked ever so slightly. About once a minute, a drop would fall out of the faucet and plunk onto my forehead. I kept telling myself to ignore it and that I’d eventually pass out, but I could not fall asleep like that. Given my intoxicated state, it took me far too long to recognize that I was literally subjecting myself to Chinese water torture. Suddenly it made sense why the slow dripping of water on my face was driving me crazy.

It turned out that three men in a tub was not a comfortable way to sleep, so we abandoned the shower and just cuddled up with others on the floor. Look at how cute we were!

Bless YouTube commenter Jenna Camila for responding to a clearly joke comment in a helpful manner. 
Somebody’s got a future in teaching English abroad!

Bless YouTube commenter Jenna Camila for responding to a clearly joke comment in a helpful manner. 

Somebody’s got a future in teaching English abroad!

Being from LA, it’s not uncommon to see acquaintances who are “in the biz” on commercials and stuff, but I did a double take when I thought I saw a high school teacher I knew in a coffee commercial a couple of weeks ago. 

Since it was an internet ad, I wasn’t able to rewind it. I hadn’t paid enough attention to catch the name of the product or get a good look at the star. I even tried to reload the video a bunch of times, but it played other advertisements instead. Oh well, I figured, I’m sure I was just mistaken. 

I finally saw the advertisement again, though, and wouldn’t you know, it was that woman I used to throw balls with. (That’s not a euphemism, she was a sports teammate of mine.) Even the normal-seeming teachers in this town are shilling for companies now!

The best part is that the spot’s slogan is “Someone you know loves Keurig.” Ironically enough they’re right: I do know Catherine. But I have my doubts are her love for the machine since it also identifies her as a “paid endorser of Green Mountain Coffee Roasters, Inc.”

I went from being a kid who won the DARE essay contest to being an adult who said “no fucking way” to a solicitor who asked me to make a donation to the DARE program. If only Officer Bob could see me now!


(… he would see that I don’t do hard drugs, or really any drugs for that matter, but that I am wise to a whack criminal justice system aided in part by a youth-oriented propaganda campaign.)

Yo, I am far too lame to get a follow back from party icon Andrew WK. Now I’ve really got to up my party game so I don’t disappoint him. 

Yo, I am far too lame to get a follow back from party icon Andrew WK. Now I’ve really got to up my party game so I don’t disappoint him. 

Rude.

Rude.

Academy Award Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds

Spoilers, obviously. 

HER
Theodore: As a recently divorced man, I’ve given up all hope for finding happiness. I guess I’ll just distract myself by buying the latest technology featuring an artificial intelligence lady.
Siri: Thanks for programming me, Theodore! Hey, despite the fact that I’m practically omnipotent with a charming personality to match, I think I’m oddly attracted to you.
Theodore: What? Really? But I’m a loser.
Siri: I know! I have everything but a body, but somehow that just makes me horny all the more. Let’s find new age ways to have sex with each other!
Theodore: This kind of makes me uncomfortable, but I’m still excited to have a girlfriend. Let me introduce you to my friends.
Friends: They warned us that gay marriage would lead to this sort of thing. No, just kidding. Honestly, we’re just so happy that you’re happy! Dating computers is all the rage right now. It’s almost like we’re the losers for being in relationships with other human beings.
Theodore: Siri, where’d you go? Siri? Siri?
Siri: Jesus, Theodore, just because I’m artificial intelligence you programmed doesn’t mean I have to be there at your beck and call. That’s not how you treat a girlfriend.  
Theodore: Wait, no, I love you, I’m sorry for being presumptuous.
Siri: Yeah, look, I’m not sure this is going to work out. Besides, I kinda met this other artificial intelligence guy and we’re in love. He just gets me on this whole other all-knowing, body-less level that you could never understand. Take care, Theodore.
Theodore: I’m so pathetic that even my computer program dumped me.


AMERICAN HUSTLE 
Christian Bale: It’s probably the copious amount of side boob you’re sporting, but I’m mysteriously attracted to you. How about we partner up for some con artistry… and sex?
Amy Adams: Hmm, you’re old, bald, fat, sleazy, married, and a criminal… what’s not to love? Besides, I have a fake English accent I’ve been practicing, so let’s go swindle some people!
Jennifer Lawrence: And I have a Jersey Shore accent I clearly haven’t been practicing, but it’s supposed to sound real! Oops, I accidentally set my house on fire for a second time, I’m such a ridiculous klutz!
Christian Bale: Just ignore my wife, Amy; I do. Now let’s get to conning!
Amy Adams: I found the perfect mark. His name is Bradley Cooper and he’s definitely not an FBI agent.
Bradley Cooper: Actually, I am an FBI agent, and you’re under arrest for fraud! That said, if you want to use your con artist skills to help me trick unethical politicians into incriminating themselves, you can go free.
Christian Bale: Fine, we’ll help you. Pssst, hey Mayor, do you like bribes?
Mayor: I do, I do like bribes!
Amy Adams: Then here, why don’t you take this briefcase?
Jennifer Lawrence: Whoops, were you guys keeping your conning on behalf of the government a secret? Because I might have accidentally blabbed your story to some involved parties. Again, what a klutz!
Christian Bale: I can’t believe this woman. Sorry for trying to con you, Mayor, but I have an idea…
Bradley Cooper: We’ve got the Mayor right where we want him. Now all I need is that briefcase back and I’ll be the toast of the town.
Christian Bale: Have you never seen a con artist movie before? There’s always one last double crossing. We tricked you. The money’s gone, as is your career as a hotshot FBI agent.
Bradley Cooper: NOOOOOOOO!!!


GRAVITY
Houston: Congrats on your final spacewalk, Clooney.
Clooney: Like most “just days from retirement stories”, I’m sure I’ll survive this trip… as soon as Bullock fixes the spacecraft.
Bullock: I’m trying to hurry, but my tools keep gliding away from me because I forget about this no gravity thing. I’m such a newb.
Houston: Abort the repairs, astronauts! There’s fast-moving space debris flying your way… and it’s Russian.
Clooney: But that’s the worst kind! [Debris pummels them, killing the rest of their crew.] Well that sucks.
Bullock: [hyperventilating] I’m almost out of oxygen.
Clooney: I leave you breathless, huh? It’s not that inappropriate for me to start flirting with you now, right? Tell me about yourself.
Bullock: My daughter died and I have nothing to live for.
Clooney: Way to lighten the mood for me even after I’ve dragged you to safety. We’ll be fine here until… [Debris pummels them again; the pair is left tenuously connected to the spaceship by a cord.] This isn’t going to hold the both of us.
Bullock: I’ll never let go, Ja—I mean, Clooney.
Clooney: This is getting a little derivative. I’m just going to float off to my death now. [presumably ad-libbed] Before I die, just admit that I’m sexy.
Bullock: [Watches as Clooney vanishes and then gets in the shuttle just as her oxygen supply ends.] Whew, finally I’m safe. [Alarm goes off.] JK’s the shuttle’s on fire. Better rush to the escape pod and jet out of here… no, wait, the escape pod’s out of fuel. Now what? [Starts barking like a dog maniacally.] Oddly, I’ve never felt more human. Now I’m ready to die. [Turns off oxygen supply.]
[A single tear drop falls and floats toward your face thanks to 3D technology.]
Clooney: I’ve returned to you in a form of a hallucination so I can mansplain to you how you can still save yourself, you just have to…
Bullock: That sexy astronaut is right, I still have one last option. [miraculously returns to earth/saves self] I’m still not sure that I’ve regained the will to live, but here goes nothing.


NEBRASKA
Old Lady: Your father keeps trying to walk all the way to Nebraska to claim a million dollar prize he thinks he won.
Will Forte: Dad, this is a scam. This is the same sweepstakes form they send to everyone.
Old Man: Huh? What?
Will Forte: Fine, we’ll road trip to Nebraska so you have proof that it’s fake.
Old Man: Huh? What?
Will Forte: We can stop and visit your extended family that you haven’t seen in years on the way.
Old Man: Huh? What?
Old Man’s Family: We want some of this million dollar prize we’ve been hearing about.
Will Forte: Wait, it’s not real, guys.
Old Man’s Family: Don’t try to cut us out of the winnings!
Old Man’s Former Friends: We want some of that money, too!
Will Forte: Now that Mom arrived by bus, let’s get out of here, Dad.
Old Lady: Woo! I’m flashing my vagina at a tombstone! I’m still not as crazy as your Dad, though.
Old Man: Huh? What?
Will Forte: Dad, you fell, I have to take you to the hospital.
Old Man: I never loved you.
Will Forte: You said one coherent thing to me this whole time and it’s that? Thanks, Dad.
Old Man: Huh? What?
Will Forte: Anyway, my Dad is here to claim his million dollar prize.
State of Nebraska: Nope, you’ve been scammed.
Will Forte: See that, Dad? The money isn’t real.
Old Man: Huh? What?
Will Forte: Let’s just fucking go home!

 
PHILOMENA
Young Judi Dench: Hey, sisters, y’all never taught me any sex ed and now I’m a pregnant teen.
Evil Nuns: Oh dear! The Catholic Church is here to help girls like you. And by “help” we mean force you into slave labor, steal your child, and sell it to a wealthy American family.
Old Judi Dench: It’s been 50 years since I lost my son, but I’ve never lost my faith in God. Please give me any information you have on my child.
Evil Nuns: We lost all of those documents in a fire… that we set intentionally to destroy any evidence of our wrongdoing. We’re so sorry we can’t be of more help.
Journalist: I’m a down on my luck high-profile reporter, but I guess I could try to be of assistance to a commoner like you. [Flies to America with Dench to track down her son.] I don’t know why I didn’t do a simple internet search before flying all the way out here, but I just discovered that your son is dead.
Judi Dench: [cries] What else can you tell me?
Journalist: He was a prominent D.C. Republican in the 80s. Also, he was a closeted homosexual who died from AIDS.
Judi Dench: What a lovely life! One I could have never provided him with!
Journalist: More importantly, he traveled to the convent in Ireland to try to find you. He’s buried there, even. [yells at nuns] You know all along that this mother and son were trying to reconnect, but you lied to them! Shame on you!
Evil Nuns: Who cares? That’s what sinners get! Burn in hell!
Judi Dench: Oh well. You may have intentionally ruined my life, but I forgive you anyway, sisters.
Journalist: You have taught me so much about faith, Judi Dench. 

 
CAPTAIN PHILLIPS
Captain Tom Hanks: Do you think I’ll encounter pirates at sea?
Mrs. Tom Hanks: What? Honey, no, you’ll be fine.
Captain Tom Hanks: Hey, crew, let’s run a pirate disaster drill.
Crew: This is a waste of time, Captain!
Captain Tom Hanks: [radios Coast Guard] Wait, now I really think that pirates are approaching us.
Coast Guard: They’re probably not pirates, Captain, chill out.
Somali Pirates: Haha, we boarded your boat and we’re holding you for ransom.
[tense moment where the pirates almost kill Hanks, but they don’t]
[another tense moment where the pirates almost kill Hanks but they don’t]
[yet against “tense” moment where the pirates almost kill Hanks but they don’t]
Captain Tom Hanks: The longer I’m held hostage, the more I realize it’s going to be hard for this film not to appear kind of racist. 
Disney Exec: Yeah… but pirates are so in right now and Johnny Depp wasn’t available for another one yet, so we thought we’d take a chance.
Captain Tom Hanks: Any chance I can cash in on some white privilege to prevent these pirates from killing me?
Navy: [shoots all the pirates dead]
Captain Tom Hanks: [hysterical] I told you there’d be fucking pirates! 


THE WOLF OF WALL STREET
DiCaprio: Hi, I’m an asshole – that’s basically all you need to know, but somehow it takes three hours to tell my story. Mainly because I refuse to spare a single sexy detail.
Jonah Hill: What’s life like working on Wall Street?
DiCaprio: Cheating people out of millions of dollars!
Employee 1: Being drunk as shit all day!
Employee 2: Having sex with strippers in the office!
Employee 3: Hiring midgets to degrade themselves for our amusement!
Jonah Hill: Sorry, I stopped paying attention because I’m high on Quaaludes.
FBI: As much as we’d like to bust you guys, there’s nothing more American than gross capitalism excess, so carry on for now.
DiCaprio: Hmm, if I left this job, I’d retire as one of the wealthiest men in the country and avoid getting myself in what is sure-to-come legal trouble.
Employee 1: Or you could divorce your wife and get a hotter one.
Employee 2: Buy a yacht and a private jet.
Employee 3: Drink and drive for kicks and hire a good lawyer to get you out of it.
Jonah Hill: And you could elaborately smuggle money to Switzerland to hide your assets.
DiCaprio: How could I give up on all of that? Maybe it’s the Quaaludes talking, but I’m not quitting. I’ve got away with it this long, what’s going to stop me?
FBI: We can overlook you stealing millions, but not billions. You’re finally under arrest, but we’ll grant you some leniency if you implicate your friends and colleagues in the crimes, as well.
DiCaprio: What? Never! I would never do that. Never. Never ever. [the next day] Okay, fuck it, I’m a piece of shit who’s never cared about anyone else, of course I’ll rat out all of my friends.  


12 YEARS A SLAVE
Shifty Dudes: Hello, free black man in the North. We’d like to pay you money for you to do work for us.
Chiwetel: That sounds swell.
Shifty Dudes: Sure, just come over here where no one can see us and… HAHAHA! Just kidding, we’re white people! We don’t play black people to do work! We’re selling you back into slavery!
Chiwetel: You can’t do this! I’m free!
Fassbender: I’ll buy this slave. Throw him in with the rest of mine.
Chiwetel: Sir, with all due respect, I have papers that prove I’m free.
Fassbender: Shut up and pick cotton.
Lupita: Sir, I also don’t like being a slave.
Fassbender: Shut up, pick cotton, then have sex with me later ‘cause you’re hot.
Lupita: Please kill me, Chiwetel. I can’t stand being raped by our master each night.
Chiwetel: I can’t do that! Besides, I have a plan to get us free. And by us, I mean just me. Hey, one legitimately nice white man, will you send a letter up north explaining that I’m really free?
Brad Pitt: I will never understand this distinction that you have that you are somehow inherently more “free” than your misfortunate comrades because of the same law that oppresses you, but if I can help one person escape this miserable life, I will do it.
Sheriff: Fassbender, it turns out this man is free. I hope however long you’ve been forced into slavery hasn’t been that awful, Chiwetel.
Chiwetel: It’s been 12 years. I mean, the movie has done little to distinguish time, so this could have all happened in a matter of months, but the title says 12 years, so it must be so. Goodbye, other slaves!
Lupita: Goodbye, Chiwetel. Wish I could come with you, but I’m just gonna hang back and keep getting whipped nearly to death.  


DALLAS BUYERS CLUB
Dr. Mrs. Ben Affleck: I’m sorry to tell you that you have HIV, Mr. McConaughey.
McConaughey: Horseshit! I ain’t no fucking homo!
Dr. Mrs. Ben Affleck: Okay, then maybe you had unprotected sex with a scabby lady who looked like she was about to die in a dirty bullpen?
McConaughey: That’s just the rodeo lifestyle, toots! Anyway, I don’t need your medical advice; I’ll just prescribe myself some drugs, booze, and strippers.
Dr. Mrs. Ben Affleck: Actually, now that you’ve taken such poor care of your body, you have full-blown AIDS. But whatever, it’s not like the medicine we can give you at the hospital is of any use anyway.
McConaughey: Huh, well I got me a liberry card and I learned all about better medications for AIDS that the U.S of A refuses to permit, so now I’m thinking of starting some kind of drug smuggling business. If only I had a business partner… say, what is that queer man doing in a dress?
Jordan Catalano: I always wished I had been cast to play either Rickie or Rayanne instead, so I figured why not try both at once? Despite your animosity towards me, I’ll be your business partner. We may not find the antidote for AIDS, but I think I’ll find the cure for your homophobia.
McConaughey: Whatever, you’re just a junky transgender prostitute; I wouldn’t care if you die.
Jordan Catalano: [Dies.]
McConaughey: [Cares.] Hey, sorry for stealing all your patients with my sketchy drug empire, Dr. Mrs. Ben Affleck, but you know I’m prolonging lives better than the medical community ever would.
Dr. Mrs. Ben Affleck: What you lack in ethics, you make up for with savant-like scientific knowledge. Our relationship is such that I would probably have sex with you if you weren’t my patient… and you didn’t have AIDS.
McConaughey: That’s okay, I’ve lost so much weight for this role that I barely want to take my shirt off for once.
The Government: Stop giving drugs that work to people who would die otherwise! It’s illegal!
McConaughey: Looks like I’m gonna have to sue in order for justice to prevail.
Judge: Although the FDA is clearly corrupt for allowing its rich friends to make a profit by promoting the wrong drugs while also forbidding you from using and sharing the medicines that actually help, our Constitution protects the FDA’s right to be dicks and slowly let you die, so case dismissed.

Gays Everywhere: Oh well, you’re a hero for trying, McConaughey!

McConaughey: Shut up faggots! [whispers] …who I’ve developed a soft spot for. [Dies… not immediately, but eventually because, you know, AIDS.]

Philomena: Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds

WARNING: spoilers and sarcasm

Young Judi Dench: Hey, sisters, y’all never taught me any sex ed and now I’m a pregnant teen.
Evil Nuns: Oh dear! The Catholic Church is here to help girls like you. And by “help” we mean force you into slave labor, steal your child, and sell it to a wealthy American family.
Old Judi Dench: It’s been 50 years since I lost my son, but I’ve never lost my faith in God. Please give me any information you have on my child.
Evil Nuns: We lost all of those documents in a fire… that we set intentionally to destroy any evidence of our wrongdoing. We’re so sorry we can’t be of more help.
Journalist: I’m a down on my luck high-profile reporter, but I guess I could try to be of assistance to a commoner like you. [Flies to America with Dench to track down her son.] I don’t know why I didn’t do a simple internet search before flying all the way out here, but I just discovered that your son is dead.
Judi Dench: [cries] What else can you tell me?
Journalist: He was a prominent D.C. Republican in the 80s. Also, he was a closeted homosexual who died from AIDS.
Judi Dench: What a lovely life! One I could have never provided him with!
Journalist: More importantly, he traveled to the convent in Ireland to try to find you. He’s buried there, even. [yells at nuns] You knew all along that this mother and son were trying to reconnect, but you lied to them! Shame on you!
Evil Nuns: Who cares? That’s what sinners get! Burn in hell!
Judi Dench: Oh well. You may have purposely ruined my life, but I forgive you anyway, sisters.
Journalist: You have taught me so much about faith, Judi Dench. 

See also:

Captain Phillips
Dallas Buyers Club
Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds 2013
Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds 2012

Captain Phillips: Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds

WARNING: spoilers and sarcasm

Captain Tom Hanks: Do you think I’ll encounter pirates at sea?
Mrs. Tom Hanks: What? Honey, no, you’ll be fine.
Captain Tom Hanks: Hey, crew, let’s run a pirate disaster drill.
Crew: This is a waste of time, Captain!
Captain Tom Hanks: [radios Coast Guard] Wait, now I really think that pirates are approaching us.
Coast Guard: They’re probably not pirates, Captain, chill out.
Somali Pirate: I’m on a boat! Specifically, your boat. And I’ll spare your life for $$$.
[tense moment where the pirates almost kill Hanks, but they don’t]
[another tense moment where the pirates almost kill Hanks but they don’t]
[yet against “tense” moment where the pirates almost kill Hanks but they don’t]
Captain Tom Hanks: The longer I’m held hostage, the more I realize it’s going to be hard for this film not to appear kind of racist. 
Disney Exec: Yeah… but pirates are so in right now and Johnny Depp wasn’t available for another one yet, so we thought we’d take a chance.
Captain Tom Hanks: Any chance I can cash in on some white privilege to prevent these pirates from killing me?
Navy: [shoots all the pirates dead]
Captain Tom Hanks: [hysterical] I told you there’d be fucking pirates! 

See also:
Dallas Buyers Club
Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds 2013
Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds 2012

Dallas Buyers Club: Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds

WARNING: spoilers & sarcasm

Dr. Mrs. Ben Affleck: I’m sorry to tell you that you have HIV, Mr. McConaughey.
McConaughey: Horseshit! I ain’t no fucking homo!
Dr. Mrs. Ben Affleck: Okay, then maybe you had unprotected sex with a scabby lady who looked like she was about to die in a dirty bullpen?
McConaughey: That’s just the rodeo lifestyle, toots! Anyway, I don’t need your medical advice; I’ll just prescribe myself some drugs, booze, and strippers.
Dr. Mrs. Ben Affleck: Actually, now that you’ve taken such poor care of your body, you have full-blown AIDS. But whatever, it’s not like the medicine we can give you at the hospital is of any use anyway.
McConaughey: Huh, well I got me a liberry card and I learned all about better medications for AIDS that the U.S of A refuses to permit, so now I’m thinking of starting some kind of drug smuggling business. If only I had a business partner… say, what is that queer man doing in a dress?
Jordan Catalano: I always wished I had been cast to play either Rickie or Rayanne instead, so I figured why not try both at once? Despite your animosity towards me, I’ll be your business partner. We may not find the antidote for AIDS, but I think I’ll find the cure for your homophobia.
McConaughey: Whatever, you’re just a junky transgender prostitute; I wouldn’t care if you die.
Jordan Catalano: [Dies.]
McConaughey: [Cares.] Hey, sorry for stealing all your patients with my sketchy drug empire, Dr. Mrs. Ben Affleck, but you know I’m prolonging lives better than the medical community ever would.
Dr. Mrs. Ben Affleck: What you lack in ethics, you make up for with savant-like scientific knowledge. Our relationship is such that I would probably have sex with you if you weren’t my patient… and you didn’t have AIDS.
McConaughey: That’s okay, I’ve lost so much weight for this role that I barely want to take my shirt off for once.
The Government: Stop giving drugs that work to people who would die otherwise! It’s illegal!
McConaughey: Looks like I’m gonna have to sue in order for justice to prevail.
Judge: Although the FDA is clearly corrupt for allowing its rich friends to make a profit by promoting the wrong drugs while also forbidding you from using and sharing the medicines that actually help, our Constitution protects the FDA’s right to be dicks and slowly let you die, so case dismissed.
Gays Everywhere: Oh well, you’re a hero for trying, McConaughey!
McConaughey: Shut up faggots! [whispers] …who I’ve developed a soft spot for. [Dies… not immediately, but eventually because, you know, AIDS.]

Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds 2013
Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds 2012